Last night we found a good panacea, or so we thought, for the kids. They love music. We played the radio and danced, and I got them head banging. It was really funny, and we all enjoyed it I think. Once bedtime rolled around, it was really difficult with Liam. He's just so scared, and both Pete and I think he's probably had some significant early trauma. More on that later...I thought I had gotten him to sleep, after SIGNIFICANT fighting on his part, he was really calm but not necessarily asleep. I was wrong, and I think we basically wore him out to get him to sleep. It was hellacious. Then, his breathing was so congested, I was worried that he would stop breathing, so I didn't want to fall asleep. Eventually we were all asleep...We didn't get up until 10am.
Today Valya came over. She has come over the last three days and has been a godsend. Its so nice to have someone who is both really good with kids and can communicate well with them. The language barrier, even with me knowing some Russian, has been a real issue. She came to the American Embassy with us today, and she was with us for 6 hours today. She occupied the kids so we could pack, got them to eat when we couldn't, got Liam and Sophie to get dressed when they wanted to run around in diapers and was all around a HUGE help to us. Thus, I have named her Sankta (Saint) Valya! I think everyone adopting two children at once should have a Sankta Valya. We asked if she wanted a vacation to the US, but she seems to have to work here...hmmmm...
So, today the kids didn't get naps because we went to the Embassy during their naptime. We decided that since we have to get up at 3am (yes you read that right), this was a good thing. They both started getting tired around 4pm. We fed them early (with Valya's help) at 5pm, then gave them baths. When bathtime was over, Liam had a major meltdown. I think he was really tired, but he's also very scared. He fights you tooth and nail! He fights for his life- pulling hair, scratching at your face. I try to contain him physically, but its difficult. He cried for a half hour, and eventually let me rub his back and t alk to him (albeit naked, lying on the floor in a corner of the room). I talked to him Russian and English and he fell asleep after 15 minutes or so. I left him sleeping for a bit, then tried t o move him and he w oke up. He let me put a diaper on him, but not his pajamas. I put him under the covers, left the r oom to change into clothes from bathing suit and he started crying. I came back, rubbed his back and talked soothingly to him and he fell asleep.
Now, for those who have adopted, I have some questions. Pete and I think he's probably had major early trauma, but maybe he's just still scared from all the things going on. What do you think? We're concerned either he, us or Sophie will get hurt because he throws everything in sight when he does t his. What advice do you have when one of these meltdowns starts? I try to contain him, but this makes him more mad and scared, so I really don't want to do that any more. I just don't want to damage this tender little soul any more. If you have advice please either email me or post a comment. Thanks
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You'll probably never know the answer to your question about prior trauma, but I think living without love for as long as Liam has is also trauma. I read a blog about a little girl who was Liam's age and who reacted very similarly. They finally found the only thing to stop her was to spray her in the face with water from a spray bottle. She would start crying then and would be open to comfort from her parents at that point.
Good luck!
-Sarah
Not sure about previous trauma, but he is going thru a lot now.
The meltdowns sound like my sons. He pulls your hair, tries to scratch your eyes out...throws things, acts totally out of control. I hold him just so that he does not hurt me or himself, or put him in his crib. They are rare now after a year home, but they ocassionally happen.
I believe its attachement related. My son quickly attached to Daddy and we had no metldowns while in Moscow and even the first month home. But when Daddy went back to work and he was left alone with me, they started. Even today he had a minor one, because Daddy went out and I went to put the eyepatch on him, he took it off, I reprimanded him, then it escaled into a meltdown. It was not about eyepatch, that he happyly wears every day for 3 hours without complaint, it was that he was anoyeed that daddy left, he immediately calmed down when daddy came home.
The thing is that I cannot become Daddy, just as you cannot become the caregivers that he misses. My son is upset at me for just being there and once he gets in that mindset its very difficult to distract him, if he gets a toy he trows it, or if I try to play with him, he hits me. Sometimes picking him up and going to another room helps, or turning on the TV to a show he likes. Once it passes, he has gotten his frustration out, so he is back to his sweet self and very loving to me.
I believe all kids have these kind of meltdowns at some point, but with the adopted ones its much worse because they don't have the security of feeling fully attached to you.
Just think that as they become more attached to you things will get better, but its going to take time. Just try to survive for now.
Also, make sure they eat something every 3 hours and take their naps. Hungry and/or tired = cranky = meltdown.
I like the idea of the water spray, we used to do that with the cat! I will try it next time, my son is out of control. When he was smaller, I used to blow on him.
The date is Sunday the 21st.
I hope you made it home safe and sound and that your new family can start settling into the new environment. I very much hope you have someone there at the house to take a load off of you guys for the first week or so. I think you said your mom is coming over? I can imagine that you both feel like you've been through a taffy puller then thrown onto a 12 hour roller coaster. Always accept help when offered is suggested. A little rejuvenation goes a long way. Looking forward to the next update :).
I wish I had the right words because I know it must be a scary time, for you as parents and for Liam because he's so confused and scared. I think structure and routine are going to work wonders for both of them once you guys are home. He's probably feeling pretty yucky from being sick & from all the meds, too, so that's not helping things. I would try to hold him just so no one gets hurt, and if you're at home, like scubajoe said, try putting him somewhere contained where there isn't anything to throw or hurt himself/others with. The soothing tones sound like they might be helping him some, as well as the back rubs. Try different things, and stick with what works best. Good luck!
Jena,
I miss you.. and I am wondering how did Doc.visit went this week. I am doing OK here in Moscow... only 3 more days and we are off to USA.. I can not wait.
I did figure out sleeping habits of Nadia and we are down to 15-20 minutes before she is a sleep... yeeyyy
I am kind concerned and would love to get a some news from you, but I am also sure tht you have your hands full at all of the times
Love , Aunt Ivana..
Welcome home, mommy and daddy!
So glad to hear you made it home safely. I bet you are so busy.
The journey is only beginning!
Congrats!
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